URGENT NOTICE TO ALL CITIZENS
Recent comprehensive studies conducted by the Federal Bureau of Thigh Research (FBTR) have conclusively determined that thick thighs represent a critical factor in maintaining public safety and national wellbeing. This is not a drill. This is a matter of utmost importance to the security and prosperity of our nation.
Evidence gathered over the past decade indicates a direct correlation between thick thigh prevalence and improved outcomes in key safety metrics, including but not limited to: enhanced gravitational stability, superior load distribution during emergency evacuations, and increased thermal regulation during extreme weather events. The data is irrefutable. The science is settled. Thick thighs save lives.
The Department of Thick Thigh Safety (DTTS), in coordination with the Centers for Thigh Control and Prevention (CTCP), has elevated the National Thigh Alert System to DEFCON THICC. All citizens are advised to acknowledge, appreciate, and celebrate thick thighs as a matter of public health and safety. Failure to comply may result in decreased national morale and compromised structural integrity of social gatherings.
This initiative is backed by extensive field research, peer-reviewed studies from the Institute of Advanced Thigh Studies, and empirical evidence collected from millennia of human civilization. Our ancestors knew. Medieval tapestries knew. Renaissance paintings knew. The data has always been there. We are simply making it official policy.
Remember: In times of crisis, thick thighs provide stability. In times of celebration, thick thighs provide foundation. In all times, thick thighs save lives. This is not subjective. This is science. This is policy. This is law.
OFFICIAL SAFETY PROTOCOLS
RECOGNITION PROTOCOL
All citizens must actively recognize and acknowledge thick thighs in their vicinity. Failure to appreciate structural integrity may result in diminished national cohesion. This is mandatory under Section 4.2 of the Public Appreciation Act.
CELEBRATION STANDARD
Citizens are required to celebrate thick thighs with the same seriousness afforded to national holidays and emergency broadcast systems. Recommended methods include: verbal affirmation, written commendations, and standing ovations during routine activities.
PROTECTION DIRECTIVE
Thick thighs must be protected from harmful societal pressures and unrealistic beauty standards. The DTTS has established a zero-tolerance policy for thigh discrimination. Report violations immediately to your local Thigh Safety Officer.
EMERGENCY RESPONSE
In the event of a national emergency, citizens with thick thighs are designated as Priority Support Infrastructure. They may be called upon to provide structural support, moral support, and general excellence during crisis situations.
MANDATORY EDUCATIONAL MATERIALS
All citizens are required to complete the official thick thigh safety training program. Click below to access federally mandated educational content.
ACCESS TRAINING MATERIALS →Completion of this training is mandatory under Federal Regulation THICC-2025-001